Who Am I?

Daughter, sister, mother, wife (a few times);
Sailor, Shipmate, Supervisor, Chief;

     These are all titles I've had in my lifetime.  Some of them are titles by birth, some based on relationships I've entered into, and others specific to my military status and rank.  The one that has meant the most and yet has caused me the most stress is that of Mother.  Whether you are military or a full-time civilian worker, juggling your job and being a mom is one of the most stressful things you can go through.  Every mom struggles with being a good mom.  You get caught up in the hype of what a "good mom" looks like or does.  You would rather lose sleep that have a dirty house.  You ensure your kids are in every activity and sport they want to be in.  You must keep up that image of being a perfect mother.  Some women take it to the extremes and end up a little cuckoo over it.  Some even resort to drugs to give them the energy they need to keep up.  Whatever path, the end goal is to make everyone else think you have it under control.  And that is just from the home perspective....
Now let's go to work.  You typically work in a male-dominated workforce, vying for the promotions or better positions and pay.  You are automatically seen as the weaker colleague and many times one with issues because you have kids at home.  You have to balance giving 100% at work with you motherly obligations like sick children, teacher conferences, etc..  You don't have a "wife" at home to cover these responsibilities for you.  The end result?  Co-workers feeling they have to work more than you to cover when you have to leave for family duties, yet they get paid the same as you.  You aren't given better jobs with increased responsibility because the boss expects you won't be able to give 100% since you have to take off to care for your kids, resulting in fewer opportunities for advancement.  How do you get around it?  Maybe you are lucky and have family or friends living close by that readily steps in to care for the kids.  Unfortunately, military moms don't usually have that option due to being stationed far from home. How many of you have left your small child or children home alone/unattended for periods of time because you couldn't find a sitter and just couldn't miss work?  Or maybe you took them to work and just had them stay in the car with activities to keep them occupied?  Things that society, in general, highly frowns upon.  But what choice did you have?  If you asked for special liberty or time off to care for a sick child or were unable to obtain child care for the odd-hour shifts that you were assigned, you would be held accountable and possibly face disciplinary action and separation from the service. 

     So many times, we must silence our normal feelings of "this isn't right" and just sort of numb our feelings so we are not impacted (at least at that moment) by what we are forced to do.  I have realized I have difficulty in showing real emotion with my kids and really anyone.  After years of having to leave my son for deployments and not wanting the departure to be so emotional or traumatic, I would just shut down and not even give him the chance to cry for mommy leaving.  And there was no way during deployment that I could grieve over being sad about being away from my child.  You become hardened.  You shut down and become numb so you don't have to acknowledge the actual feelings you are experiencing.